Merely a Player

Today was one of the roughest days that I’ve had in a while.  My wrists are completely raw from cutting.  I started Lithium, but I’m not at a therapeutic dose yet, so it’s not doing much.  I saw Dick last night and everything was fine.  Then, he left in the morning while I was still asleep.  I’ve honestly never had someone do that to me before.

His excuse was that he had a terrible dream about him and his ex-girlfriend and he was upset when he woke up.  It’s been over two years, and he still hasn’t emotionally moved on.  We talked about not seeing each other anymore and that’s what he decided.  The rejection started the whole thing in motion.

I think that I kept seeking out that relationship because it felt so comfortable to be treated poorly.  That’s what I grew up with and I’m so used to having people that let me down and don’t meet my emotional needs.  It’s not about him, not really.  He’s simply a player in the whole story.  If it wasn’t him, it would be someone else that treats me poorly.  He left his stupid glasses here and still has to come and pick them up.

Some weird part of me wants to explain everything to him and tell him everything.  He doesn’t know about the BPD or the bipolar.  I just want to explain it all, but I know it won’t help anything.  It’s going to be a while before I feel better and I’m hoping the Lithium eliminates the suicidal thoughts.  They’re daily now.

I’m so tired from everything and I hate how exhausting emotions can be.  I just want to be in a healthy relationship, but my subconscious doesn’t think that I deserve it.  I’m worried that I’m going to keep continuing this pattern and falling for guys that treat me like shit and have no respect for me.  I want to be the person that I know I can be and stand up for myself.

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4 thoughts on “Merely a Player

  1. Coming from experience here, I dated a girl for 3 years and lived with her family (5 people) all diagnosed as bipolar. Anyone, once you’re comfortable with them deserves to know you’re bipolar. Honestly, theres nothing wrong with it. It’s who you are, and you shouldn’t be ashamed of it. It’s rough at times, but it gives you characteristics, it gives you a reason to want to keep living, and to know theres more to life.

    As for the cutting and what not, I’m not going to comment on it as I’ve done it, and I’ve had family and friends that have or do it. I hate to read or hear about that kind of stuff because you know someone has to be really hurting inside to do that to themselves.

    Hope you don’t mind my thoughts,

    Please take care.

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  2. I just hate that there’s so much stigma surrounding mental illness. I’m proud that I’ve made progress in treating my illness, but there have been more bad days than good ones lately. Cutting has always been my go-to coping skill. I hate that it is, but nothing else has worked as well yet. I appreciate the kind words and I like hearing perspective from others! It’s always to see someone that’s ended up on the other side of depression without being consumed.

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  3. I know things are hard for you now, but hang in there! You’re clearly smart, articulate and introspective–and you know what you want and deserve in a relationship, even if you haven’t found it yet. You’re on the right track!
    I know these words can sound hollow coming from a stranger, but I’ve also been suicidal and relied on self-harm to get myself through the worst times. If you can just remember that there is so much more to life, that things *will* change, and that so many good experiences await you in the future, you’ll get through the worst times and things will get better!

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  4. Thanks so much for the sweet words! It’s definitely difficult to see the other side when you feel so down, but I’m looking forward to being able to function again. It’s definitely nice to hear other people’s stories on here because I often feel like I am the only one in my life.

    Like

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