Today was one of the roughest days that I’ve had in a while. My wrists are completely raw from cutting. I started Lithium, but I’m not at a therapeutic dose yet, so it’s not doing much. I saw Dick last night and everything was fine. Then, he left in the morning while I was still asleep. I’ve honestly never had someone do that to me before.
His excuse was that he had a terrible dream about him and his ex-girlfriend and he was upset when he woke up. It’s been over two years, and he still hasn’t emotionally moved on. We talked about not seeing each other anymore and that’s what he decided. The rejection started the whole thing in motion.
I think that I kept seeking out that relationship because it felt so comfortable to be treated poorly. That’s what I grew up with and I’m so used to having people that let me down and don’t meet my emotional needs. It’s not about him, not really. He’s simply a player in the whole story. If it wasn’t him, it would be someone else that treats me poorly. He left his stupid glasses here and still has to come and pick them up.
Some weird part of me wants to explain everything to him and tell him everything. He doesn’t know about the BPD or the bipolar. I just want to explain it all, but I know it won’t help anything. It’s going to be a while before I feel better and I’m hoping the Lithium eliminates the suicidal thoughts. They’re daily now.
I’m so tired from everything and I hate how exhausting emotions can be. I just want to be in a healthy relationship, but my subconscious doesn’t think that I deserve it. I’m worried that I’m going to keep continuing this pattern and falling for guys that treat me like shit and have no respect for me. I want to be the person that I know I can be and stand up for myself.