Medicine and Inner Demons

I’ve been up and down lately.  I started Abilify, which sent me into a manic state with no sleep and decreased appetite.  I’m off of it now, but I still feel a bit off.  The old depression is seeping back in though.  How is it that my normal state is depression lately, no more middle ground, just depression and occasional mania.

I’m supposed to start Lithium, but I’m a little nervous.  I don’t want to feel cloudy again.  The last medicine made me a different person and I didn’t like it.  It was like me, but a blurry, colourless version of myself.  I’m supposed to go pick up the medicine tomorrow.

My ED has been back in full force lately.  I’ve been restricting and have lost 10 pounds in the last few weeks.  It always makes me feel a bit better about myself and how I look.  The suicidal thoughts are more frequent lately and I’m getting so tired of it.

Consciously, I know that I am attractive and intelligent and have all of the tools necessary to succeed at life and be happy.  It almost makes it worse.  How can I feel so empty when I’m lucky to have what I have.  That’s the sucky thing about mental illness: nothing else matters.  You could have everything amazing in the world and it wouldn’t make you happy.  I feel like two people sometimes: the seemingly-happy, bubbly person who I am to the world and the depressed, lonely girl who lives deep inside of me and ruins everything.

I started seeing Dick again, so that’s always a mistake.  We’ve only seen each other once, but it’s all the same.  He broke up with his girlfriend and comes to me because I’m always there.  The new guy, Tim, and I are in a kind of relationship.  I’m in no place to be in a relationship, but that’s how it always is.

I have therapy tomorrow, so hopefully I’ll be able to feel better.


2 thoughts on “Medicine and Inner Demons

  1. Hey,

    I read your post and really hope things improve. I liked it, then unliked it because its sad and doesn’t seem right to like that. Anyway, I’m always super sceptical about mess and changes in them. I’m not sceptical of them at all, but psychiatric medications are a bit of a shit show so I really hope you find some that works for you. Just try arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can about any medications suggested. Learn the science, read the peer reviewed journals, understand the effects and side effects. Know if its on or off label usage. Know what else is available. Medications can work, but drug companies lie repeatedly about the true impacts of meds and as psychiatric meds are generally designed for long term use, have a real interest in making them seem better than they are. Arm yourself. Sorry if I’ve overstepped here. Just a campaign issue for me. Sorry.

    Hope this finds you well.

    Ellie x.


  2. I definitely have been skeptical about taking mess as well. It’s just gotten to a point where living through each day is becoming unbearable without something to help. I’m on Lithium now, but it hasn’t made too much of a difference. I appreciate the feedback and it’s always helpful to have another viewpoint and kind words!


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