Transient vs Permeating

I’ve been depressed for a good portion of the past few months.  Lately, it’s caused me to cancel work and stay home from school.  It has affected school in the past, but never work.  Happiness has always been so transient and short-lived, but the depression is permeating and it seeps into every part of my life and ruins anything good.  It’s uncontrollable and uncontainable.  I just wish it wasn’t this way.

I should start seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist again, but accomplishing anything feels nearly impossible.  Getting out of bed in the morning and getting anything done is exhausting.  I hate being this way and I always wish there was some way to just snap out of it, but that’s never how it works.  Everything just seems so pointless and I have no motivation to complete anything.

I cut things off with everyone that I was seeing because I started to feel like a bad person.  I hate letting people get too close because then they see how truly fucked up I am. I’m so good at hiding it and being bubbly when I need to be because that’s how I want people to see me.

I’ve been thinking lately that loneliness isn’t simply having no one.  It’s having various people in your life but feeling like you can’t contact any of them for various different reasons.  I alter between the two dichotomies of wanting someone to take care of me and pushing everyone away.  I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this.  It all just feels so pointless.  I get so scared of myself sometimes and I’m afraid that I’m going to do something stupid.

 

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