Cactus Tree

The past few days have been rough.  I’m really just starting to hate myself.  I’m sleeping with all of these people and they all want relationships.  I’m honest about the fact that I don’t and they say that they’re cool with it, but they never really are.  I just think that I need a break from all of it.  I went to see Damien tonight, which is always a mistake.  We always end up sleeping together and then I feel more confused than ever after.  We still love each other and he still has this hope that we’re going to move in together and be with each other.  I don’t want that though.

Then there’s Mark, who has always been incredibly sweet and understanding.  I just don’t feel the same for him as he feels for me.  I hate hurting people though.  There’s a few others who I’m supposed to see soon and I just don’t want to.  I know that I’m only going to hurt them because I have no idea what I’m doing and I’m flailing.  I just feel quite like a cactus tree and I thought that’s what I wanted, but I feel emptier than ever.

I had a panic attack when I got home tonight and I totally freaked out and called Dick.  It was so stupid, but he made me feel better.  He apparently has a new girlfriend now, according to Facebook, but he hasn’t told me.  He was really sweet and was able to calm me down, which I’ve always loved him for.  I hate being such a mess.  I stupidly asked him to come over and stay the night, which he declined because it was already 1:30AM.  I just wish that he wanted to be with me, but he doesn’t.  I shouldn’t have called him and it was a stupid thing to do.  I’m sure I’ll regret it over the next few days when I continue to miss him.

My security guard from my apartment complex randomly hit on me when I was taking out the trash.  We’re supposed to meet for drinks next week and I have two other dates with new guys scheduled for next week.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt this confused or lost when it comes to relationships.  I think that I should just cut off ties with everyone and be single for a while, but that never lasts.  They always contact me again and I end up repeating the whole cycle.  The only person that I want to be with doesn’t feel the same way and I am having trouble dealing with the rejection.

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