Villains and Good Guys

It’s been a while since I’ve posted.  I just got busy with finals and holidays and neglected my writing.  Things have been numbly calm lately.  They’re not really good, but I haven’t been too down.  I finally broke up with Damien on Thanksgiving, because I seem to have impeccable timing with those types of situations.  We’ve talked since then, but it’s always been weird.  I don’t think we’ll ever get back together though since I feel emotionally  disconnected from the whole thing at this point.

I started “seeing” a new guy, let’s call him Mark.  He’s pretty enamoured with me and it makes me feel guilty.  I also have three other people who I’m supposed to see next week who want a relationship with me as well.  I feel like I’m too fucked up to really be there for someone or care about someone else’s feelings when I can’t seem to get ahold of my own.  I adopted kittens, which has helped me with my stress levels.  It helps to have something that needs to be taken care of and it has helped me not get too out of control.

There’s nothing else that’s too new in my life right now.  I’ve been in contact with Dick recently, which is probably a mistake.  He totally flaked out on meeting up twice and only came over once for an hour to fuck me and that was it.  I don’t know why I’m so fucking hung up on him.  I have all of these great people who I can see and I can’t get him out of my head.  It’s been long enough that I should just be over it by this point.  I deleted his number but I’m sure he’ll randomly contact me at some point.

I’ve been thinking lately about how nearly every situation has a villain and a good guy.  Almost no one is always a villain or a good guy.  It’s so easy to simply say that someone is an asshole and see them in black and white, rather than to find fault in any of our own actions.

I’m not really happy lately, but it feels like the calm before the storm.  I’ve been cutting some, but nothing dangerous.  I should really just stop randomly fucking people for a while and messing with their emotions because it’s just making me feel guilty.  I’m always honest, but it still fucks with them and I hate being that person.

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