I had sex with a new guy last night. His name is Sean. It was mediocre. I’ve never had “bad sex”, but it definitely wasn’t mind blowing. I’ve just been in such a weird place lately. I’m still pretty depressed about the whole outcome of Tuesday night, but I’m trying not to let it get me down.
Dick finally texted back. He said that he’s going to let me know when he’s free to hang out, but it’s probably a lie. My obsessive snooping showed that he’s not seeing the girl anymore. I’m sure it has nothing to do with me, but I’m somewhere between feeling hopeful and sad for the girl because I’ve been there.
I don’t know why I’m pushing the whole thing that much. I think it’s kind of a BPD thing. I’ve never been good with rejection and my reactions tend to be something akin to a seven year old’s. Rejection feels as though this other person is cementing every insecurity that you feel about yourself. It’s like they’re saying you’re not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, or perfect enough for me. I know that’s not a normal way to look at it, but that’s what runs through my head.
I hate feeling abandoned. I hate people leaving and I hate how I react. I hate feeling like I’m not in control of my actions.
Damien has been pushing the whole moving in together thing more and more and feel as though I’m going to lose him. He puts up with so much because he loves me, but I freak out whenever anyone gets too close. It’s like if someone gets too close they’ll see that whole other part of me that I don’t show to the world. The one that wants to hide under the covers all day and not come out for anything. He knows a fair bit of me, but not everything. He has no idea how awful I feel sometimes because he’s never been to that place. Sometimes I feel so alone and sometimes I don’t mind the loneliness.