Just got back from jazz class. I sometimes feel like dance is the only way for me to get out of my head. When I’m dancing, I forget about everything. I still have a bunch of homework to finish, but I wanted to decompress from today. It’s nice to have a place where I can share my thoughts. I feel like I’m always stuck in my head.
I texted Dick. I know that it was stupid, but a part of me just really wants him to tell me that he’s seeing someone. Hearing it from him will make it official. He hasn’t replied yet. That’s what he always does though. I’m sure I’ll hear from him in a few days or so.
I’m getting to the point where I really want to end things with Damien. I feel like he just keeps forcing himself into my life. I feel trapped. I think it’s partially a BPD things. I seek out intimacy and connections with people, but then freak out whenever they get too close.
I guess I should tell the whole Dick “relationship” story. Back in February, we started “seeing each other”, and by seeing each other I mean going over to his place late at night and having sex and leaving the next morning. I liked how things were. They were simple and I was happy. The sex was also pretty awesome, which probably made some sort of difference. He was super into me at first. He would always text and want to spend more time together. He kept trying to get to know me as well. There was always some amazing compliment coming out of his mouth; he’s one of those dangerously charming people.
I would always have some excuse and I didn’t want anything more from the relationship. As the months went on, he stopped trying and that’s when I started developing feelings. It would be so nice if there was some way to control those. Anyways, I was seeing Damien at the time and he ended up finding out. We had a conversation and I basically told him that I was going to break up with Damien and that I wanted to be with him. As you might have guessed, it didn’t really go over too well.
We both agreed that we didn’t to stop seeing each other, but he was still hung up on his ex-girlfriend (I’ve seen the emails, so I can attest to this). After that night, we didn’t speak for a while until I finally texted him. He basically said that he wasn’t ready, but I stupidly suggested that we go back to the way things used to be. We saw each other a few times after that and the last time I saw him was in September. Things were awkward
I guess I always wished I had handled the whole relationship differently. I want to go back and make an effort in the beginning and be open to letting him in. I know that it’s not possible though. You can’t ever go back. I don’t know why I keep texting him, but I should just stop. The depravity is unmanageable, but I suppose I love wallowing in my masochism.